Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote a poem called ‘the brook’, where he said, “And out again I curve and flow to join the brimming river, for men may come and men may go, but I go on for ever”. Some took it to mean that a river is eternal, some thought it referred to the transience of human existence. That’s the beautiful thing about poetry, you interpret it and realize how every perspective is different than the last. In my personal opinion, this line isn’t about immortality or mortality. I believe it is comparing the brook to a person who encounters relationships that come and go but they have themselves forever.
I went through a relationship and the best way to describe the situation would be that our bond was the ocean. We dived into the ocean face first and decided to never let go of each other for we were each other’s life boat. The magic we called love kept us afloat. The waves were crashing against us but our grip was strong. He held me like I was the most precious thing he ever had. And I? I held him like I loved him, a little harder every second. It was so easy. Just look at him, you will see truth in the twinkles of his eyes. You will find goodness that will make you believe him. I loved it, every second of it, I didn’t even know the risks because I trusted him with every inch of my being. Storms came and lightning struck but we did not let go. We held on. Then one day, everything changed. This journey in the ocean became bumpy. Our grip started to weaken. I held tighter than he did. Then came this huge wave and he left my hand, he had to hold onto himself, you see. And I reached out. “I love you”, I said. “I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU. CAN’T YOU SEE? ITS ME. Its me.” I started to feel the pressure beneath the waves now, it was hard to stay up and I used “I love you” like a life jacket. Maybe if I said it enough, I could stay afloat. Did I tell you we dived into the ocean face first and that the magic we called love kept us afloat? Oh but when that magic faded away, I wanted to stay and when his beautiful smile turned into a frown, All I could do was drown.
You may have felt this too sometime in your life but let me just tell you that you go on forever. You may feel angry and sad and alone. I feel alone too. But this isn’t one of those articles where they say that you’re not alone and we’re there for you because let’s face it, nobody is there when you’re googling online therapy or finding people to talk to at 3 AM. It doesn’t matter if you’re so alone or anxious or stressed or bored, even the best friend who you know is your soul mate will be too busy for your shit someday. I just want to say that YOU ARE ALONE. You are alone and you always will be but don’t be disheartened because when your chest feels like it might explode with the pain and your fingertips feel itchy and restless, when you’re clutching on to your arms and crying, the only person who picks you up after you’re done is YOU.
Nobody can make you happy but you. Happiness is a choice, at any moment you can tell yourself to be happy. Literally say it out loud, Smile and say “You’re beautiful and happy and life is good.” You’re all beautiful even if you call yourself ugly, its because you don’t fit in society’s idea of beautiful. What matters is your idea. Your idea of beautiful and happy, your idea of an ideal life. You make it happen. No one person or situation or opportunity can be the make or break of your life, stop giving everything so much power. Even if you have wonderful friends and all of this looks like a lie, just know that at some point or the next, you could be in a situation where you can’t reach any of them, the only person who is constantly with you is you. Only you will always be there for yourself so if you really want to live a happy life, you might as well start training yourself to love yourself. Start smiling more often. Laugh at your own jokes, give yourself high fives, talk to yourself, hug yourself, call yourself beautiful, work hard and then reward yourself for the same. Relationships will crumble around you and you won’t have anyone but yourself. I found this the hard way, I hope you don’t.
Yes, you are alone. And it is okay.
In fact, it’s better than okay. Trust me, you’ll see.